The incentives in keeping couples together

There’s a certain breed of relationship “expert” who insists you should stand by your marriage, come rain, shine, or a partner who’s already packed their bags and run off with the neighbour. Some even say you should keep believing you’re married after the divorce papers have landed on your doormat. There are those that describe marriage as a contract between a higher divine power. It’s an interpretation I don’t really understand, but I’d argue that it’s a concept reasonable to impose on yourself but not others. All in all, I thought this was just a bit eccentric and odd, until I discovered the expert in question had been a cheater themselves. Funny how the loudest voices for forgiveness often have the most to be forgiven for.

Other relationship experts tend to have more realistic perspectives. If your career is built on keeping couples together, you’re hardly going to recommend a clean break, are you? There’s a clear incentive to preach reconciliation, no matter how daft it might be in practice.

“It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it.” – Upton Sinclair

Some cite the wedding vows as a cultural artefact that infidelity is insufficient to tear the marriage apart. Yet, they often forget the other parts of the vows: “to love and to cherish”. Infidelity already unilaterally tore up the vows and took a crap on them. 

At the end of the day, only you can decide what’s best for you. Advice should offer perspective, not pressure. The idea that you must stay, no matter how badly you’re treated, is both rigid and unrealistic. Just because some people treat vows as sacred doesn’t mean you’re obliged to martyr yourself on the altar of someone else’s mistakes.

Relationship experts with a vested interest in reconciliation aren’t always giving you the full picture. Remember: it’s your happiness at stake, not theirs. Don’t let someone else’s incentives or their dodgy past dictate your future!