Rebuilding Trust

Trust, once broken, feels almost impossible to glue back together. If you’re reading this, you’re probably carrying a heavy heart. Maybe, despite the hurt, you realise you still love the cheater, and reconciliation is on your mind. I’m usually quick to encourage people to dump cheaters, but I know not everyone can immediately accept this advice. If you want to try to go through this painful journey of recovery, it’s important to talk honestly about what it takes to even consider reconciliation after betrayal.

The bare minimum

What I consider to be a singularly absolute pre-requisite of reconciliation, which in turn is already something I view to be immensely difficult and ill-advised, is immediate honesty. There are times when someone cheats, but immediately calls their partner, confesses and apologises. This is a suggestion (though never a sign) that perhaps it was a one-off wrong instead of a deliberate betrayal or inherent character defect. The cheaters that conceal and continue to meet their affair partners repeatedly are, in my opinion, extremely poor candidates for reconciliation.

That said, even the cheaters that come crying after their “first slip up” might very well be lying, given their demonstrated track record of dishonesty. As such, it is worth putting careful consideration into whether they should be reconciled with, even if it is their supposed first misstep. There are additional measures that those cheated on can put in place in choosing reconciliation.

Steps towards reconciliation

1. Post-nuptial Agreements and Infidelity Clauses
Some reconciling couples sign post-nuptials, which safeguard assets or trigger a more favourable discussion of assets for any further acts of cheating. This raises the cost of further infidelity, now that a partner’s word has suffered a loss of reputation. These agreements can offer a sense of security and clarity for the cheated on party, allowing both parties to focus on repairing their bond. The process of drafting a post-nuptial contract requires full financial disclosure, which in itself can foster transparency and honesty. However, the deterrence effect is debatable – while a stiff penalty might make someone think twice, there are no guarantees in life when dealing with cheaters. Still, at least the victim would go into reconciliation knowing that the cheater either refrains from doing so, or gives up a larger % of the shared assets.

Any hesitance from the cheater to sign something like this is a red flag, it signals that they are inherently not 100% committed to never cheating again. However, this solution is only applicable in jurisdictions where such post-nuptial agreements are enforceable, so do consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction if you pursue this solution.

In the event that you find yourself in a position with a post-nuptial signed and the partner cheats again despite it, please don’t hesitate to trigger the clause with the help of a lawyer once you have sufficient evidence.

2. Surrendering Privacy
Other cheaters choose to surrender their privacy, letting the cheated-on partner monitor their online activity. This could mean sharing passwords, calendars, or even location data. While a shared Google calendar and a location tracker might not be everyone’s idea of romance, for some, it’s a temporary measure to help rebuild trust. That said, over-monitoring can backfire, leading to constant tension and the victim of cheating spending excessive time scrutinising. This is best approached as a short-term step, not a lifestyle.

3. Therapy
Some go for couples therapy, which can be helpful. Therapy provides a structured, neutral space to work through emotional pain, improve communication, and develop empathy for each other’s perspectives. A good therapist helps couples identify the root causes of the betrayal, set healthy boundaries, and build the skills needed to move forward, assuming both parties are genuinely committed to the process. Therapy isn’t a magic wand, but it can help turn a shouting match into an actual conversation (with only a moderate amount of eye-rolling).

Individual therapy could be helpful as well, both to help the cheater understand their internal flaws that led to the choice, and for the cheated on to fully unpack their emotions without the other party present.

4. Setting Boundaries and Open Communication
Setting clear boundaries is crucial. This might mean immediately cutting off contact with affair partners, agreeing on transparency about whereabouts, or establishing regular check-ins to discuss feelings and concerns. Open, honest communication, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable, is the backbone of any attempt at reconciliation. This means that the cheater needs to be prepared to answer questions about details of past affairs, and provide full disclosure multiple times without complaining that they’ve ‘already covered this’.

5. Allowing Time and Patience
Finally, patience is non-negotiable. Healing takes time, and forgiveness can’t be rushed. Both partners need space to process emotions, and setbacks are normal. If either party expects things to “go back to normal” overnight, they’ll be sorely disappointed.

When to walk away

Some of those who cheat may recoil at the above suggestions. “Why can’t you just get over it?” They cry with such unashamed chutzpah. In that case, the best course of action is to get over them as a whole. If they are not willing to put in the work to make amends for their betrayal, they’re just paying lip service to the idea of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, you might go through with all the above, and the cheater could still cheat again years later. The steps above are no guarantee that infidelity can be prevented or that the cheater’s character can be changed. Cheating a second time should always be enough to walk away from the relationship, no matter the sunk costs. That said, if you did have a post-nuptial agreement in place, do enforce it to make sure you have some compensation for the time you have wasted. Adopt the mindset of Paulie from Goodfellas: ‘F you, pay me.’ It sounds harsh, but in legal terms, it means ensuring you aren’t left emotionally and financially bankrupt. Then walk away to live your life to the full, knowing that you have tried your best and it’s just unfortunate that the cheater’s flawed character is immutable.