Only the Cheater is Accountable for Cheating

“Walking away is the only choice anyone ever has.” — Naomi Nagata, The Expanse

It’s said that there’s nothing certain in life except death and taxes. Let me be crystal clear that there is a third certainty: The decision to cheat lies solely with the person who made that choice, and is never the fault of the person who was cheated on. This is not a situation that calls for much introspection, as useful as introspection is in other facets of life. You should never fault yourself for the cheating occurring, or how you react emotionally.

The immediate shock and emotion: It’s not your fault

If you’re reading this, you probably have been cheated on and have faced one of the most painful situations a person can experience. Right now, your emotions might be swinging wildly between rage, devastation, numbness, and confusion.

All of these feelings are completely valid. Feel them fully, but do not beat yourself up for feeling this way. It’s like getting stabbed; Your body reacts by bleeding for a multitude of evolutionary benefits. You don’t curse at yourself for bleeding, instead you try your best to stem the flow of blood.

In a similar vein, you don’t have to beat yourself up for your emotions, but you need to try and get ahold of your actions. How you act can have an impact on your subsequent wellbeing, so try as best as you can to swallow that anger, rage, and sadness and don’t do anything rash that could hurt you or cause you to fall afoul of the law.

The root cause of cheating: It always stems from the cheater

Many people caught in the aftermath of infidelity fall into the dangerous trap of blaming themselves. They dissect every conversation and every disagreement, searching for what they could have done differently. I say, don’t tire yourself searching for garbage in a pristine landscape.

The person you trusted has shattered that trust in the most cruel way imaginable, and there is nothing you could have done that would have justified them treating you this way. This moment calls for something that might feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable initially: putting yourself first.

There are people who will try and link some past behaviour of attribute to explain why things happened the way they did. They existed many years ago before the MeToo movement when they would blame people for their attire when analysing sexual assault. Linking any of your behaviour to explain away deceit falls in the same category. You do not get to choose what another person does. You never have and you never will. All you can choose to do now is to react in the way most suitable for you in response to the betrayal.

Healing: Prioritise yourself

Cutting off all contact is not about punishment or revenge, so don’t feel bad if you have to do it. It is the fastest way to begin healing. Every time their name lights up your phone, every social media update, every message from a mutual friend about them reopens the wound.

If you have ever had a deep gash that needed a bandage, you know how hard it is to resist scratching at it. But we all understand that pulling off the bandage and scratching only prevents a proper scab from forming and slows down the healing process. The same principle applies here. Each time you reach out, or respond, or check up on them, it is like ripping off that bandage and digging your nails into the wound.

Here are some practical steps to help you move on:

• Block them on all social media and messaging apps, and then delete their number
• Ask close friends not to update you about the life of your cheater – I blasted this to my Instagram close friends after some well-meaning soul popped out to ask when I was getting married 🙁
• Create new routines that do not involve the places you used to visit together

They are no longer a part of your life. Do not give them the privilege of engaging with someone who holds themselves to a higher standard. Your integrity and worth remain intact, even if theirs did not. Do they feel like they need to talk to you to attain closure? Too bad, they shouldn’t have cheated then. You do not have to fall on your sword to assuage their discomfort anymore, nor should you light yourself on fire to warm someone who would sacrifice you for their own benefit.

Rebuilding and moving on

The hardest part of being cheated on is not always the betrayal itself. Learning how to trust again can be an arduous journey in itself. Not just others, but yourself. You might start questioning how you missed the signs, or whether you will ever be able to truly know someone again.

That doubt is natural, but it does not have to be permanent. Trust is like a muscle. It can be rebuilt after injury, and often becomes stronger in the process. Start small. Pay attention to the people who show up for you. Notice who keeps their word. Let yourself believe that decency still exists. Most importantly, learn to trust yourself again. Your intuition did not fail you. You simply chose to believe in someone. That capacity for hope and trust is not a flaw. It is one of your greatest strengths.

Moving on is not a straight path. Some days will feel like huge steps backward. On those days, be extra gentle with yourself. Healing is not linear. It takes the time it needs.

“Realising you’ve got shit on your fingers is the first step toward washing your hands.” — James Holden, The Expanse

Be heartened; there is nothing inherently wrong with you

Realising you have been betrayed is painful, but it is also the beginning of something better. It’s therefore critical that you realise the problem doesn’t lie with you. You merely put your faith in the wrong person, which is both a perfectly understandable mistake to make, as well as something you can learn to mitigate in future. You fully deserve all the love in the world, and all this anger and sadness that you feel was imposed on you unjustly.

Your cheater may have fundamental character flaws that drove them to hurt you. It doesn’t matter, because they are no longer your business. The only relevance that has to you is the reassurance that the whole fiasco is not due to anything inherent to you. The betrayal reflects nothing about your worth.

You can and will find a better life beyond this.