How I used Stoicism to survive being cheated on

It’s difficult to understand the sheer trauma of being cheated on until you personally experience it. If you’ve faced it, be kind to yourself. Know that it’s okay to scream, and to cry. You’ve been betrayed and it probably feels like the sky has collapsed. But after the storm passes, when the dust settles, you are left with a choice only you can make: stay trapped in anger, or use this pain as fuel for growth. 

While I floundered in anger and confusion, I discovered Stoicism. Stoicism is an ancient philosophy that teaches us to focus on what we can control, and to let go of what we cannot. It was espoused by Marcus Aurelius in his book Meditations. I immersed myself in it, and it helped, even as I struggled to implement the principles in practice.

What You Cannot Control, You Must Accept

Stoicism doesn’t mean suppressing emotions. It means recognising that while you can’t control what someone else does, you can control how you respond.

As Marcus Aurelius put it:

“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

When I first heard this, it sounded a little hocus-pocus. I’ve never been a fan of the whole “think positive!” mindset, preferring to think of myself who is outcome focused. However, shifting the perspective to what I could control helped me cope as I weathered the mental turmoil and self-doubt.

Your cheater’s choices were theirs alone. Wasting energy on revenge, on replaying the betrayal over and over, only deepens your suffering. Instead, you can try to feel the anger, observe it, recognise that the situation did not arise from a wrong on your part, then let it pass without acting on it. You are worthy, and the cheating only reflects poorly on the cheater. You can take action on the aspects you control: remove the cheater from your life, and forge on ahead.

Respond with Strength, Not Destruction

You might feel the urge to lash out, to get even. But Aurelius warns against becoming the very thing you despise:

“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”

That doesn’t mean forgiving blindly. It means not allowing someone else’s betrayal to turn you into someone you’re not. Hold your head high. Walk away, but do it with dignity. It can be very counter-intuitive and painful – especially for me as I felt the unevenness and injustice. That said, I knew better than to allow the cheater to dictate my emotions at this stage.

A Lesson in Impermanence

Everything in life, relationships, emotions, even pain, is fleeting. Marcus Aurelius constantly reminded himself of this:

“All things are ephemeral—both memory and the object of memory.”

Stoicism is about accepting that your relationship would always have had to end one day. It is also accepting that your current suffering is inherently temporary, and will pass. It’s hard to see now, when the pain is so visceral and in-your-face. However, many have been in your exact position, reeling back from the immediate shock but eventually emerged stronger when the cheaters were weeded out from their lives. I have no doubt the same can happen for you.

Don’t be too hard on yourself

There were and still are many days when I fail to hold on to the principles of Stoicism. Many nights, I lay awake, thinking instead of the relatable quote from Gladiator, spoken by the character who was a commander under Marcus Aurelius: 

“I am Maximus Decimus Meridius,…. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

The greater lesson is that no human is invulnerable to emotions and act completely rationally. Aim to be stoic to help yourself cope and move on, but don’t beat yourself up if you lapse into despair. Recovery is a non-linear process and you should acknowledge that by giving yourself plenty of leeway, even as you strive towards an ideal stoic state.