Just got cheated on – some advice (Part 2)

This is a continuation from this, which was more for folks who are struggling with the initial emotional shock.

After calming down, you face this potentially long emotional burn where you have to get on with daily life still.

Keeping the ship steady

Secure your job/studies

You have to make sure that, despite the turmoil you are facing, you don’t get your career derailed. It is hard, but losing a job will only worsen the blow you have already suffered.

If you trust the colleagues and/or your direct manager, do let them know you’re facing a difficult time (you don’t have to tell them why). This can help to excuse any small mistakes you might be making as well as reduce your workload where possible, since they know to cover for you.

Restraint over lashing out

I faced so many stupid comments from well-intentioned friends. People who would call me till the wee hours of the morning while listening to me rant would accidentally say something like “oh, maybe you should have paid more attention to her”. I held my tongue instead of lashing out, something I am still infinitely grateful for.

People will make careless mistakes, especially if they haven’t been cheated on before. If they are well-intentioned and not continually victim-blaming, try to understand that they are struggling to comprehend what you are going through.

Keeping your mind busy

To avoid

I would avoid going for artistic events because many couples will go, and it can trigger your emotions, at least in the initial stages. It’s not healthy to hide away forever from others in healthy relationships, though you should give it some time before you take the plunge. Listen to yourself and don’t force your recovery. Overwhelming your emotions can be counter-productive.

Sports and exercise

I think sports is great, because you are simultaneously dealing with the current emotional toil, while investing in physical strength. Not only will you upgrade your physicality, the visible progress does wonders for mental health. As an additional bonus, if you suffer from insomnia like I did, getting yourself tired in the day does help with falling asleep and getting some peace at night.

One caveat though, sports where you can zone out, like hiking, swimming, golf, or jogging can be tricky. These give you room for rumination, which can be counter-productive, as well as potentially dangerous. If your mind is spinning, very solitary activities might give it space to spiral further. Notice how you feel. If a long jog leaves you stuck in replay mode, try something more engaging or more social for a while. At the same time, it can trigger helpful moments of reflection that get you out of a mental spiral.

For solo sports, I always thoroughly recommend martial arts, because the act of punching a bag helps to expel the negative emotions. If you really need it, I found it helpful to imagine hitting my ex or the affair partner. I wouldn’t normally endorse such aggressive patterns, but it’s undeniable that I needed an outlet to express my rage safely. Martial arts can be rather expensive though, so do look for trial classes before committing to it.

For group sports, if you have friends up for it, I recommend intense racquet sports like tennis, pickleball, or badminton. This serves as an avenue to meet up with friends as well.

Seeking new projects at work

This can be risky but if you have the emotional capacity to do so, getting involved with new projects to keep busy can do wonders. I only embarked on this a few months after finding out about the cheating. Based on your own capacity, you might need longer, and that’s completely okay. I guess I also saw it as a way of repaying my manager for the understanding he showed at the start when I told him about my personal troubles.

Keeping social

Meet new people

Once I was a little more functional, I started going for activities to meet people. In hindsight, I’m glad I took the time to be alone and away from others while I was vulnerable emotionally. Being able to operate without constantly thinking of my ex in different situations and having stopped crying made the interactions easier.

I found greater success with book clubs and run clubs, since these had the social aspect as an ancillary benefit. There are social mixers, though I found those to be a little awkward personally since it felt like meeting for the sake of it. It was tough to strike up conversations as an introvert, though I did notice some extroverts having a great time.

Word of caution: It can be very tempting to try and jump into the dating pool, especially when surrounded by so many new people. I would be very careful about doing so, because you are likely to be emotionally charged and you could end up in situations that a more logical you would shun. Take your time, and embrace the freeing opportunity to meet a wider network of people that you find interesting.

Keep up with old friends

Start reaching out to old friends. Did you have anyone that your cheating ex previously didn’t approve of you meeting with – perhaps they were jealous as they projected their own dishonest character? Now you’re free to hangout with them again.

From experience, many people are often just busy with their own lives and neglect to keep up with each other. Don’t let that deter you from trying to rekindle old friendships. If you take the courageous step of reaching out, there will be friends that respond well.

Personally, I’m glad that many of my friends made time for me in the immediate aftermath. I found myself with an excess amount of time on my hands as I didn’t have to spend time on dates anymore, yet was still searching for hobbies. Being with friends helped to take my mind off things and I could use the time to build a stronger connection with them.

Furthermore, there will be friends who are solidly in your corner during this period. I had friends immediately start digging up dirt on the affair partner, as well as those that matched me whiskey shot for shot so I didn’t have to drink alone while also making sure that I didn’t over drink.. Treasure these folks, because they are the true all-weather friends that will stand by you.

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Healing after betrayal is slow and uneven, and needing time does not mean you are weak or failing. As you steady your work or studies, move your body, and reconnect with people who are firmly in your corner, you are already rebuilding a life that is less centred on the person who hurt you. You did not choose the cheating, but you can choose, step by step, to protect yourself, invest in yourself, and walk towards something better.