Just got cheated on – some advice

So you’ve just found out you’ve been cheated on. It’s a horrible place to be, and the next days will be tough. I’ve gone through it myself to know the bitter pain. Having heard from many folks about their experiences, I hope this might be a useful path out of the whirlpool to whoever is drowning in a torrent of emotion.

Don’t make any rash decisions

Sit down. Breathe. Let yourself feel the shock. The anger. The sadness. All of it. But do not act yet. Sleep on it. Journal it out. Go for a long walk. Hit the gym. Whatever helps you release that energy without causing more damage.

I’m the type who likes to believe I can just flip a mental switch and move on (classic economist, always trying to be rational). Despite this, I was still livid after finding out. I still recall the white hot rage that ran in my marrow for several days. Honestly, I probably scared my friends with how unhinged I acted right after finding out. I fully understand the emotional outburst, and that’s why I urge you to rein in your reactions, especially when your emotions cloud your judgement.

Some folks find themselves spiralling into dark thoughts, even considering suicide. The shock can be so intense that your mind jumps to extremes, but remember: this is not the moment for decisions with permanent consequences. Your brain is in a fog, and it’s simply not the time to trust its worst suggestions. If you’re feeling this way, give yourself permission to do absolutely nothing for a while. Take a day, or a week, to just exist. There’s no opportunity cost to waiting. Talk to a friend, and be honest about what’s going on in your head. My experience is that when you open up, people rally around you and help you see through the storm. You don’t have to solve everything today; Just stick around to see what tomorrow brings. I’ve spoken to plenty of people who once stood on that ledge after being betrayed, who are now deeply grateful they hesitated long enough to step back. They’d have missed out on joys, adventures, and even just quiet moments of peace that seemed impossible back then.

Make strategic decisions, especially if you are married

There are days when I would think back and feel pangs of regret for how I reacted when I found out. I should have remained calm, collected evidence, got clarity on what transpired, and secured a watertight written agreement on how to settle financial affairs in my favour. Instead, in my rage, I simply declared that it was over and walked right out of the room to begin my eternal no-contact. That said, I don’t beat myself over the head for behaving that way – hindsight is 20/20 and much clearer than when your eyes are clouded with rage. I was fortunate too, because I was still unmarried and we didn’t live together then (thanks to Singapore’s expensive housing prices).

If you are married but are considering divorce, the need to make strategic moves is amplified. If lawyers are involved, you don’t want to be unfairly portrayed as the crazy person who destroyed the marriage. Other considerations (non-exhaustive) are:

• Could disclosure (read: shouting about the affair to all your mutual friends) result in your spouse losing their job and hence reducing the amount of alimony owed to you?
• Be aware of critical deadlines. In Singapore, for instance, divorce based on adultery must be filed within six months of discovering the affair – so this can serve as a soft deadline for you to get your evidence in order
• Do you have enough evidence to file for divorce? This could be easier done before you confront the cheater
• Joint assets need to be protected from the cheater who could drain the resources and run away with their affair partner
• If you have children together, you have to consider what the custody arrangements could look like if you split

If you are living together with the cheater, there are logistical concerns: Do you have a safe space to seek refuge during this time? Whose name is the property under?

Should you feel the urge to send a message, type it in your notes and wait 24 hours. If you want to do something out of character, give yourself an hour or two to think it through.

You may feel like you have to do something right now, immediately, to regain control. However, by not moving, you hold the option of acting which is valuable for the flexibility. Be cognisant that a little patience can payoff massively because you take the optimal, well-thought out path rather than one guided by impulse.

Don’t do anything illegal

You may be angry but you must calm down and clear your head.

A man who caught his wife cheating decided to slash the affair partner with a knife and was jailed. Now, he will have to endure not only the pain of being cheated on, but also reduced employment prospects and societal stigma. Sympathy aside, a crime is still a crime.

It’s very easy to fall into illegality. You don’t have to wield a weapon. Did you know that extortion is a crime? If you tell someone that you will reveal their infidelity unless they do something, you could be liable. Wanting to get through to your ex to make them see your pain by spamming them with calls? You could be charged with harassment.

The best revenge is massive success. The second best revenge is watching the cheaters inevitably blow up their next relationship while basking in your success. Going to jail precludes any of that. No matter how much you think someone deserves it, the moment you cross that line, you lose control of your own story. Meanwhile, your ex walks away with more ammo to justify what they did.

If you’re unsure if something is legal, don’t do it. If it involves threats, revenge, or hacking, it’s a no. There is no honour in self-destruction. Do not give the cheater the satisfaction of watching you implode.

Be careful of scams

You’ll see dodgy YouTube comments and random people offering to “help” you catch cheaters. Beware! When you’re hurting, it’s easy to fall for quick fixes, but most of these are scams that’ll take your money and disappear.

There are also the “gurus” that promise to help you win your cheating ex back. Others will offer their services of black magic to win your spouse back and/or hurt the affair partner. If you feel tempted, I need to first disabuse you of the notion that your ex needs to be “won back”. Nah, your ex should find you forgiving them as the greatest gift, not the other way around.

Start gathering your thoughts

Once you’ve calmed down a bit, start writing things down (but make sure your cheater can’t find the notes!):

• What do you know for sure?
• What do you suspect?
• What proof do you have?
• What are my next steps?

This will help you move from chaos to clarity. It also helps you prepare for any conversations ahead. Whether you choose to confront, walk away, or fight for reconciliation, going in with a clear head is your best bet.

Tell people, starting with those you trust

When you are ready, tell someone. Just one person to start – someone you trust to listen. The first step is to come out of your own head. Betrayal thrives in silence. Telling someone breaks that spell and defends against any gaslighting by the cheater.

Eventually, you may want to tell more people whom you know will help exonerate your name in the face of untrue narratives spread by a cheater. Unfortunately, most people will appear to care but they will often care less than you want them to. Remember, everyone has their own problems. Your pain feels huge to you (and rightly so), but don’t expect everyone to match your energy.

Personally, I started venting to many friends about this. Anyone who picked up contact with me got the full, unfiltered story. Once I calmed down however, what I did was to hold the story back and only disclose the cheating in a succinct, almost blithe, manner when asked. My rule became: Disclose willingly, but never proactively. If someone asked how my partner was doing, I’d just say, “She’s now dead to me”, before explaining briefly how she cheated.

Going no contact

No contact feels like purgatory initially, but it gets better fast, as compared to a slow burn to attempt to delay the inevitable. Breaking up can feel like jumping off a cliff instead of hanging on painfully by your fingertips. Unfortunately, falling can often be the sole way to get out of your predicament.

It’s painful to go against your emotions. We’re hardwired to feel a certain way. As a social creature, we are evolved to run when everyone does and fear sets in. That is why it’s never right to describe succumbing to your emotions as weak. It’s who we are, though the awareness of the insidious nature of emotion helps us to counterbalance.

Stay strong

Try to react in as dignified a way as possible though; your image still matters. In fact, your image will continue to yield returns over time, as you are known as the stoic who doesn’t lash out of emotion blindly.

If you’ve already acted out, don’t beat yourself up. I nearly did too, until my friends talked me down. It’s okay! It might not be the ideal and rational thing to do, but hey, you’re rightfully emotional and it’s completely understandable.

Anyone who thinks you’re overreacting, especially in the very short-term when you’ve just been cheated on, is not someone you want to be associated with anyway. What matters is the long-term, because people won’t tend to be as forgiving to emotional outbursts after some time has passed.

This isn’t the end of your story. It’s just a brutal plot twist. But all plot twists eventually get resolved. It will take awhile: Some take weeks, some take months, others take years. And when you get past this knot, you’ll realise that you haven’t just survived, you’ve also reclaimed your dignity, your direction, and your future.