It’s going to hurt to leave even those that hurt you

Getting over a relationship, especially after being cheated on, is rarely a neat or painless affair. Breakup grief is so common it almost feels trite to mention, but the pain of infidelity is often underestimated, even by those experiencing it. If you’re expecting a quick fix or a tidy emotional resolution, I’d advise that it’s more a marathon than sprint, with a few potholes thrown in for good measure.

Emotional

For me, I was more “fortunate” because I realised that my ex could have been cheating on me all the time, because of how well she masked it during the time I knew she definitely cheated. It was also physical cheating, so I had very little doubt that she had actively betrayed me. As such, my feelings for her evaporated like hot milk in a pan. Moving forward was difficult, but also unambiguous.

I hope that your emotional journey will be as peaceful as mine. But for many, the emotional fallout isn’t just a bump in the road, it’s a full-blown car crash. Any breakup will be difficult to get through. You go from being secure in love, and happy experiences together to losing these in the blink of an eye. It’s like the death of a loved one, where you need time to mourn the loss of someone.

Being cheated on compounds the pain of the breakup with the incomprehensible betrayal from someone that you loved. Not only do you mourn the person, but it also feels wrong to mourn someone who has clearly displayed their lack of care for you. They are not only emotionally and physically far, but their last act was to hurt you deliberately and cruelly. There’s a special kind of pain in missing someone who betrayed you.

You may find yourself questioning your own worth, regardless of how rational the decision to dump a cheater is. The heart doesn’t always keep pace with the mind. Even when you know you deserve better, the longing for what was familiar can be overwhelming.

Besides, you may be the one who initiated the breakup formally, even if they broke up with you implicitly by cheating. You’ll have days where you wonder if you’ve made a terrible mistake, or if you should reconcile. It’s not uncommon for people to think that they can’t live without the other person, or that their love for the cheater transcends the betrayal. That is why, despite the multitude of stories of how cheaters often go on to cheat again, victims of infidelity continue to give in and seek out reconciliation against their best interests.

It’s not easy, but you should grit your teeth and resist the urge to compromise emotionally. It is a strong belief of mine that reconciliation is often ill-advised, especially when unmarried and without children. Reconciliation might seem easier in the short term, but unless there are extraordinary circumstances, it’s usually a shortcut to more pain.

A helpful way I found was to mourn the version of the person I thought I knew. I separated the memory of the partner I loved from the reality of the scum who betrayed me. This distinction helped me grieve what I’d lost, while also giving me the resolve to move forward.

Financial

Finances are another tricky thing. If you shared finances, property, or other financial arrangements, brace yourself for a bunch of logistics. If things get complicated or contentious, don’t hesitate to seek professional advice. The sooner you disentangle your finances, the sooner you can be assured that you are protected against further betrayal and then start rebuilding your own financial security.

If you were planning, or already own, a home together, things can get messy fast. Selling a shared property can mean taking a financial hit, especially if you’re forced into a fire-sale just to get things over with. The pain is multiplied if you’re dealing with public housing, which is notoriously illiquid. In Singapore, for example, you might even lose your eligibility for public housing altogether, which is a bit like being dumped twice: Once by your partner, and once by the Housing Board authorities.

When it comes to shared finances, the aim is to prevent the cheater from encroaching on your financial resources. A quick to-do:

• Make a list of all joint accounts, credit cards, and debts.
• Open your own accounts and redirect any direct deposits or payments.
• Consider withdrawing your money from joint accounts and closing them. Allowing someone untrustworthy legal access to your money might not be wise.
• Cancel joint credit cards and update shared passwords.

Money has a way of keeping people tied together long after dishonesty has replaced love. The mountain of logistics can make it feel impossible to untangle your life from someone else’s but it’s a necessary step towards reclaiming your independence. Unfortunately, unlike the emotional aspect where you should take as much time as you need to recover, I would advise sorting through the finances as soon as you can.

Social

The sad reality is that people who haven’t been cheated on rarely grasp how deep the wound goes nor how twisted the betrayal is. They can mean well, but my experience has been that those who have been fortunate to avoid infidelity struggle to empathise. There may even be mutual friends who defend the character of the cheater or claim it’s a forgivable transgression. To them, they may equate this to be a breakup, despite the vastly enhanced pain that cheating brings.

The social fallout can be just as painful as the emotional or financial. Friends may pick sides, or worse, try to stay neutral, leaving you feeling isolated. Some may even question your decision to leave, suggesting that “everyone makes mistakes” or that you should try to forgive and forget. Always remember: your experience is valid, even if others don’t fully understand it.

You have to accept that while most will sympathise, few will do so in a way that feels sufficient. It’s a lonely road, but one that many have walked before you. Consciously note who listen without judgement and seek their support. Over time, you’ll find out who your true friends are, and you may even discover a newfound strength in your own company. In time, you’ll come to value the support that truly matters, and you might even find a quiet pride in how you handled yourself when things got tough.

The most effective medicine can be bitter

Leaving someone who has hurt you, even deeply, is rarely easy. The pain of separation can feel sharper than the pain of betrayal. But sometimes, the most effective medicine is the one that stings the most. It forces you to confront uncomfortable truths, to sit with your grief, and to slowly rebuild yourself from the ground up. Healing isn’t linear, and there will be days when you question your decision. But with each step forward, you reclaim a little more of yourself.

If you’re in this situation, know that your feelings are valid, no matter how complicated they seem. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be angry, and to hope for better days ahead. In time, the hurt will fade, and you’ll look back not with regret, but with gratitude for the strength you found in letting go. You’re doing the hard, logical work now so your future self can thank you later.