Gaslighter Buster!

Too many betrayed partners find themselves apologising for imagined faults. You were the one betrayed, yet somehow you’re made to feel guilty and responsible. The awfulness of cheating doesn’t just stem from the shocking pain from the act of betrayal. It’s also the residual lying, deception and manipulation that creates a residual anger. In particular, gaslighting happens quite often.

The term “gaslighting” originated from the 1938 British play Gas Light and its later film adaptations, where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own sanity by secretly dimming the gas lights and denying that anything has changed. This specific act of causing someone to question their reality gave rise to the modern word, which now refers to a type of psychological manipulation where someone’s perception is distorted or undermined.

As a cheater desperately tries to cover up the truth, they’ll often employ gaslighting to shift the blame to you. Don’t expect them to simply break things off cleanly and confess. After all, there’s a reason why they went behind your back instead of leaving you respectfully before choosing the affair partner.

The best way to not let the cheater continue to mess with your head with their blatant, illogical falsehoods is to be aware of them. The manipulation follows a few depressingly predictable scripts. Different cheating individuals with their own sob stories, but it’s always the same few tired reasons at the core. Different faces, identical excuses.

You’re being paranoid/crazy 

This is perhaps the most frequently reported gaslighting phrase in infidelity contexts. When you raise legitimate concerns, they frame your reasonable suspicion as mental instability. Some cheaters have the absolute nerve to say this even when you’re holding concrete proof in your hands.

The relationship was bad/toxic/had problems/dead bedroom/not getting enough attention

Unless there’s a reason why the person couldn’t leave the relationship, there is zero justification. This excuse attempts to make you responsible for their betrayal. They’re claiming your behaviour gave them no choice, which is categorically false. They can always breakup instead of deceiving. By staying in the relationship, they showed it had value to them. They just didn’t value you enough to respect your boundaries whilst enjoying the benefits.

Cheater was stressed/drunk/made a mistake

There are many ways that one can express stress, or act in an intoxicated state, that are healthy and victimless. Hurting the person who trusted you most for some temporary relief is just flat out disgusting. They wouldn’t get a free pass committing any crimes, and they shouldn’t get one for infidelity either. Most people who drink heavily or experience stress don’t commit infidelity, because substances don’t create intent; they only lower inhibition for actions someone already considered.

It just happened

Nothing just happens in life. Take some accountability! Imagine someone embezzling company funds and explaining with a shrug and a “it just happens”. This is classic “I have no excuse so I’m gonna make some nonsense up”. They made a choice, so at least own it along with the consequences instead of trying to evade it like a pathetic coward.

It didn’t mean anything/it was just sex/kiss/make out

The cheater doesn’t get to choose what something does or does not mean, especially after the fact. Does loyalty and honesty mean anything, is everything just vacuous like the cheater’s morality? Also, if it didn’t mean anything, why the need for secrecy? The perpetrator doesn’t get to control how their actions make someone feel. If it meant nothing, they wouldn’t have risked everything for it. The ‘it meant nothing’ defence is particularly insidious because it attempts to minimise both the betrayal and your entirely reasonable response to it. What they’re really saying is ‘your pain should mean nothing’.

Everyone does it

Definitely not! Don’t smear us decent human beings with these disgusting projections. There are way more people who can keep their promises compared to those who do. Many couples last because the individuals within have made a commitment to each other. As someone who has shown a lack of commitment, a cheater doesn’t deserve any of that.

I have a high sex drive

Say it beforehand, and ask for an open relationship if the current arrangements aren’t satisfactory. Doesn’t work with the current partner? Leaving is always an option, as long as one is upfront about it instead of thirsting for the other benefits of a relationship aside from sex. Hunger isn’t an excuse to rob a bakery.

I needed to feel wanted

If they needed more validation, adult communication was available. They chose deception instead. You might find yourself confused by this gaslighting excuse – you did want them but now they’re telling you they didn’t feel it. 

To the cheater, I say: “You were wanted, by your current partner. You sought it out from someone else, so now all you deserve is to be unwanted by anybody who doesn’t desire being cheated on.”

I didn’t think you’d find out/You made me tell you 

So the cheater seeks to underestimate your intelligence and resourcefulness, after betraying your trust. How absolutely insulting. This barely even cuts it as an excuse, so I suspect it’s used more as a statement to provoke and compound the pain. Blaming you for their confession, as though honesty is something that you don’t deserve. Ignorance is not bliss, especially when you can contract a venereal disease from the deception.

If you really loved me, you’d forgive me

This weaponises your love against you, suggesting that your pain is proof you don’t care enough. This demand takes your love for granted whilst dismissing the very real harm they’ve caused. Real love includes respect, honesty, and accountability, none of which they’re offering. It’s a terrible gaslighting technique, because they were the ones who did something to prove they prioritised their transient joy over your safety and privacy, yet put the onus on you to say it’s you who gave up.

You’re dwelling on the past

Used to shut down ongoing processing of trauma, often within weeks or months of discovery. This is the sort of excuse criminals give: universally applicable, but also universally unacceptable.

Don’t fall for it

The cheater playbook relies on you not being aware of their manipulation. At first glance, the above gaslighting all sounds rather reasonable, especially when you are bombarded with the fallacy that cheating was a consequence of your actions. When you’re vulnerable, it’s normal to be susceptible to emotional blackmail.

You’re not responsible for someone else’s choice to betray you. If these excuses sound familiar, you’re being manipulated. Your anger is valid. Your pain is real. Their betrayal is entirely on them.

Look for the gaslighting that the cheater has used, and reflect on how I have refuted it. Please let me know via the contact form if you hear something that isn’t on this list, I’ll update it.